Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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