Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
