I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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