I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
