Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
