after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
