Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize