How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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