thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
