There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
