is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
