im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
