I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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