Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
