btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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