A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
