Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
