Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
