i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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