It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
