Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
