I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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