i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
