my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
