This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
