I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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