I'm gonna have a badass scar
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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