The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
