i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize