when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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