He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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