I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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