Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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