What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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