i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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