I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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