he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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