John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
