I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
