I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
