I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
