So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
