Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
