I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize