she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize