Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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