He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
