I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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