Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
