I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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