I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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