why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
