You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
