I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
