whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
