If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
