i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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