i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
