You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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