i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
