I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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